A New Perspective

I honestly cannot believe it’s been over 4 years since my diagnosis. I remember a time when I could NOT WAIT to put all the cancer stuff behind me and now here we are. I sometimes forget that has been my journey! I look back on pictures and the time hops that pop up as I was going through my treatment. It was such a crazy time back then! Cancer. COVID. Goodness - we all just want to forget all that craziness, don’t we? Yet at the same time - it’s impacted us in such a big way.

I have been doing a LOT of reflecting on this lately. How time passes. Memories fade. Our hair grows back. Our environment and surroundings may even change — a new job, maybe. A new home. A newly empty nest. We are so quick to think that life will somehow be better when circumstances change. If my hair grows back. If I lose those 20 lbs. If I get that new job. But the reality is those circumstances do not change us. What is outside of us will not change us. Do they influence who we are? Absolutely. Yet WE are the constant. Whatever is WITHIN us is what we carry from circumstance to circumstance. From job to job. From relationship to relationship. If we don’t focus on the change within, what is outside of us is really irrelevant.

This has honestly been the biggest lesson of cancer for me. Whether it’s cancer, or the loss of a loved one, or a significant change in a close relationship — if we don’t take the time to truly HEAL from the inside out, we missing out on the growth from the experience.

My typical M.O. my entire life was to hunker down and power through. Push toward the goal. Work harder than anyone else. Just. Keep. Going. And that worked for me for a LONG time. Until it didn’t. Until my body took over and told me NO. And cancer was that wake up call. But I’ll be honest - it has been a slowwwww process and one I still have to work at every single day.

I’m learning to reprogram how I think. How I move. How I respond. And that is HARD y’all. For this action oriented gal, my first reaction has always been to raise my hand. To say Yes. To sign up for all the things. I’m learning how to slow down. How to pause and check in with myself. How to put the brakes on when needed. How to live and be present in my body and spirit. How to FEEL the feelings. How to sit in the discomfort. How to hold back my agreement. How to care more about being authentic and true to myself, vs. jump to make the other person feel OK. How to learn boundaries. Relearning what truly brings me JOY. How to let go of the things that I love, but that no longer serve me.

‘how to let go of the things that I love, but that no longer serve me’

I’ll be honest - I’m still mourning the loss of some things. I still struggle and get the urge to sign up for a race. I miss running with my heart and soul. I’m actually crying as I write this!! It’s so hard y’all. I miss it so much. BUT I know that this is the path to being healthy from the inside out. And there are other things that honestly, I know I need to let go of, but I’m not ready (ahem - coffee & beer) . And that is OK. I’m taking my time. I’m not a robot after all!! LOL

I share all this because often times we feel the pressure to be ‘back to normal’ on the other side of trauma. I know I just wanted to feel like MYSELF again. But the reality is — I’m NOT the same person. I’m not quite who I used to be but I’m not quite who I’m on the journey to becoming yet. Isn’t that so true of everyone? We look at others and think, ‘Wow - they have it all together. I wish I could look/feel half as put together as she does.’ But man - that is such faulty thinking for 2 reasons: (1) you have NO idea what is going on in her life. She could be going through a divorce. Struggling with a special needs child. Exhausted as hell from taking care of an aging parent. Whatever. You have NO idea what is going on beneath the surface. And (2) Appearing ‘Put Together’ is over rated!! Let’s just f-n stop with this insanity of feeling like you have to have your shit together and just LIVE our messy damn lives. Messy is real. Messy is refreshing. Messy is HONEST.

So 4 years later….here I am with tears running down my face because I still haven’t gotten over not being able to run again. But I’m embracing the SUCK while I drink my coffee and cuddle with my bullies because I’m a work in progress y’all. And so are we ALL.

Finding my NEW Normal

I can’t believe it’s been two years. Two years since returning from the trip of a timeline to Hawaii. Two years since going in for my annual check up. Two years since my doctor sent me in for a diagnostic mammogram and everything that followed. I spoke with a friend recently who is going through the same unfortunate sequence of events and when recalling all of the details of my own diagnosis - it finally felt like it was a memory. A memory of something that was in my past and not my present. Something that I’ve experienced yes, but not something that defines who I am. This is monumental.

For SOOOO long (it seriously felt like an eternity), so much of what I lived and experienced over the past two years has had the shadow of cancer. From active treatments, to residual side effects of treatments, surgeries, medications, side effects of medications, body changes, hair regrowth - all of these things kept me in that PLACE. That place where cancer loomed. That place where everything felt like it was on HOLD. No longer what it used to be. What I used to be. Yet also not yet what it was GOING to be. And just for effect - if you know me - you know that I DO NOT LIKE TO STAND STILL. Yet this has been my reality’. I have been working really hard at embracing that. Embracing being PRESENT. Embracing what God was teaching me in that ‘bubble’. That gray, hazy, pergatory-like, cancer bubble. The one that leaves a light yet nasty film over everything you do and everything you touch.

Yeah you keep on keeping on. Life goes on, right? You do all the things you know to do. You even start thinking and dreaming a bit about the future, yet you never TRULY feel like yourself. You feel a bit foreign in this new body. With this new short hair. With this new revelation for life and all that it means yet secretly wishing you could just feel normal again.

And then one day, without even seeking the conscious thought, it hits you. You feel more like YOU. Not entirely like the old you. Things have definitely shifted and changed. There is some acceptance for the things you’ve had to give up (and not so much for others but hey, I’m still a work in progress) yet you are starting to settle into the new NORM. You don’t know how or when it happened. You’re not even sure you did anything to create it but you no longer feel like you are IN it.

I explained this to my husband last night over dinner. That I’m finally starting to look and feel like a normal person. A person who isn’t cast by the shadow of cancer. A person who is still figuring out what the future looks like and find her new normal, but one who no longer sees herself in the PRESENT with cancer. It’s in my rear view mirror. Yeah - I still have appointments and check ups to contend with - but that is logistics. My HEART knows different. My BEING has moved on and honestly - it feels so good. Thank you Jesus!

Here’s to finding my NEW NORMAL friends!

Good Riddance Pink October

October is triggering for a lot of breast cancer survivors. One might THINK that it’s honoring. I mean - who doesn’t love to acknowledge those who have fought this battle and won; those who continue to fight this battle and ‘kick cancer’s ass’; and especially those who have fought this battle and lost are to be remembered and celebrated. But honestly - the whole Pink October thing? Yeah - it just sucks. It doesn’t suck for everyone but it sucks for many. In the breast cancer circles, it’s the month of October that most dread vs. look forward to and let’s talk about WHY.

1) PINK makes me sick. Okay, not really but this sudden flood of pink that seems to take October by storm is sickening. It feels so disingenuous and like such a marketing ploy. Companies who slap a pink ribbon on their logo during the month of October, yet do nothing to help support research or help to support those affected by breast cancer - this is just wrong. This concept of ‘pink washing’ has given the Susan G. Komen organization a lot of bad press and publicity and frankly, it’s warranted. They have been accused of helping organizations benefit financially from ‘pink ribbon marketing’ while supporting those same organizations who’s very products are linked to having cancer causing properties. Gross. And Susan G. Komen’s partnership with Planned Parenthood? Yeah, there’s that. Listen - I’m not saying good isn’t being done out there by well intended companies who truly care and are trying to provide support. There is and there are. BUT - to someone who has been personally affected by this disease and who is also trying to navigate the TRUTH, all this pink madness is just NOISE and needs to stop.

2) Stop OVER Glamorizing Breast Cancer. Pink is cute. Pink ribbons are cute. Pink Tu-Tu’s are cute. Pink wigs. It’s all cute. Breast Cancer? Not FREAKING cute. Breast Cancer literally guts you. Well meaning people will say things like ‘Oh - at least they caught it early.’ or ‘Good thing you got the easy kind of cancer’ or gotta love the ‘Oooh - you get a free boob job’ Again - all well meaning people (in their own way) but seriously? I love the fact that the public at large is becoming more educated about breast cancer as a whole, especially when talking about it was TABOO not that many years ago but can we please stop trying to make it ‘CUTE’? I see and read stories daily about women struggling to refind their femininity after their mastectomy; or how depression sets in months after treatments are said and done because women are struggling with what ‘living’ looks like for them now. Women trying to figure out how to live with a metastatic diagnosis yet be there for their family. Body deformations. Wounds and scars that run deeper than what you can see physically. There is nothing ‘cute’ about this disease.

3) Cancer is a Life-Long Diagnosis. The most frequent question those affected by cancer gets asked is ‘are you in remission’ or ‘did they get it all’? Yes - again - well meaning and because people don’t know what to do with any other response, we often answer YES (as far as we know - unless of course you are metastatic) but here is what we are thinking: cancer NEVER goes away. It literally plagues you every day. It plagues your thoughts. It plagues your plans. It plagues your dreams. Not always consciously but most definitely sub consciously. It’s like a dormant sleepy giant inside your body that could awaken at any point in time and literally consumes and potentially and literally could kill you when you least expect it. We often feel like a crazy person because we live in this limbo land - somewhere between ‘I am so blessed to be now healthy & thriving’ to ‘I fully expect to die from cancer at some point in my life when this rears it’s ugly head again’. Or when we hear about yet another tragic loss in our community - we can gravitate between ‘survivors guilt’ and ‘oh thank GOD that isn’t my situation’. This is a COMMON place we live. Between these two extremes. Maybe not every day. Maybe not consciously. And praise God that for me it’s becoming less and less, but this is REAL. And it happens far beyond ‘Pink October’

So listen - I’m not trying to BASH well meaning people or good intentions here. I’m really not. There IS a lot of good that happens through breast cancer awareness campaigns and endeavors. What I am trying to do is bring awareness from the perspective of one who has not only ‘been’ there but also continues to live there every day. My advice is THIS: Look beneath the surface. Look beyond the PINK. Seek to SEE first and then try to understand. Be careful what organizations you support. Where you place your money MATTERS so make sure it’s going to where you want it to go.

xoxo Bring on November ;-)

Tammy

One Year Later

Well here we are - - a little over one year later. 14 months to be exact. 14 months from diagnosis. 14 months of active treatment. 14 months of doctors appointments, specialists, consultations, prognoses. 14 months of action, then waiting; more action, then waiting. 14 months of loss, mourning, hope, disappointment, rediscovery, conviction. I feel like these 14 months have been the true marathon of my life thus far. The race that I didn’t enroll in, I didn’t plan, I certainly didn’t train for - yet here I am, nonetheless. I’m at the 23 mile mark and there is a little more than a 5k left for me to run.

Easy peasy, right?

I have run countless 5k’s in my lifetime.

Yet, here’s the thing - when you are running the marathon of your life, when you reach the 23 mile mark you are literally just trying to keep the wheels on the bus. You are fighting for dear life. Every ounce of you wants to give up but you keep going. You literally can’t feel your feet. They are numb from the pain, but you still fight for every step. THAT is the beautiful mess that makes up those final miles of the marathon journey. You do it - you keep fighting - because a marathon is all about pushing yourself to the limit. It’s about going ALL OUT with your body. Pushing it to the edge to see what it can do. It’s such a rush to finish a race like that - the feeling of accomplishment is like nothing else.

So yeah, while I have MAD respect for the marathoner - heck, I’ve crossed the finish line a few times myself so I get it - hunkering down and fighting for every last step is NOT the way that I want this race to end.

First of all - just to be clear - cancer is a race that never ends. There is no finish line - only check points. Even when you are given the ‘NED’ (No Evidence of Disease) prognosis, there is always the threat of it returning. To stick with the running analogy, it would be like finishing a marathon, only to find out that you were duped - you are really running an ultra marathon and still have another 25 miles to go! There is always this ‘shadow’ overhead. The threat of another marathon to run, or peak to climb. Every little ache, pain, or ailment you think, ‘OMG has the cancer come back? Has it spread to my spine, lung, brain, (fill in the blank)?’

There is also this understanding in the cancer community - that the REAL healing happens after active treatment is over. When active treatment is going down, it literally takes all of your time & energy so it’s very difficult to process through emotionally & mentally. Therefore, when active treatment is over, you literally look back to see a bit of a mess in the wake of your life. The REAL work happens at that point with putting the pieces back together mentally and emotionally. SO - even when chemo treatment is over, your hair is starting to grow back, and your skin is healing from the rads - you literally are a bit of a puddle on the floor. Yet the dilemma here is that you LOOK fine. You SEEM fine. Everyone EXPECTS you to be fine. I mean - you just friggen kicked cancer’s ASS, right? Yeah - but the thing is, you literally feel like cancer has chewed you up and spit you out.

Now - not everyone feels this way, but it seems like the general consensus have had this experience.

SO - let’s get back to the marathon analogy. I mentioned that the last 5k is literally all about keeping the wheels on the bus. Running your heart out. Giving EVERY ounce of energy to cross that finish line. I also mentioned that is NOT how I want to run this proverbial race that technically has no finish line. HERE is what I mean:

1) I don’t just want to ‘hunker down’ - I want to THRIVE. I want to feel good in my skin - body, mind and spirit. I vowed to myself that I would not push my feelings down. I would not ‘pull up my big girl panties’. I vowed to FEEL my feelings. To speak them. To feel them. To acknowledge them. To honor them, and give them the time and space they need. I am not great at this, but I’m getting better.

2) I don’t want to be an ‘all of nothing’ gal. Training for marathons is an all or nothing kind of thing. There is no happy medium. When you are in the thick of your training, you are either running all the miles or laying on the couch (or eating). It really is an all or nothing thing. I will not live my life that way any longer. I want to pace myself. I want to walk slow enough to ENJOY the conversation I’m having. I want to SEE the sights along the way. I don’t want to have to think about trying to fit my ‘long run’ in on a Saturday morning. I want to be SO in tune with my body that I know WHAT it needs, WHEN it needs it. Again, a work in progress here.

3) I don’t want to think about, acknowledge, or give any significance to the finish line. Here’s the thing: finish lines are dangerous. While yeah, they do signify a ‘milestone’ or meeting a goal, the danger is in giving them TOO much significance. Seeking accomplishment. Accolades. Finish lines can bring a bit of false entitlement. It’s a slippery slope and frankly, I’ve fallen into the ditch far to many times in my life. I want to be about being in the PRESENT moment. I want to enjoy the JOURNEY. I want to acknowledge the learning in the steps along the way. I don’t want to focus on the end result. I want to focus on the HERE & NOW. Yup - #workinprogress

So here I sit recovering from surgery in the reconstruction phase of my journey and am reflecting on the MANY things that I have learned along the way. While yes, I’m excited to almost be done with ‘active treatment’, I’m also very fully aware that my journey continues. While the hair is coming in nicely, and at some point in the near future, my scars will fade - I don’t just want this experience to be over. I want to be forever CHANGED by it. The old me would ‘hunkering down’. The forever changed me is learning how to be present, listen to her body, receive the love around her, and create the space to FEEL the influx of emotions that present themselves at any given moment.

Thanks for listening,

Tammy

Redefining Beauty through Cancer...

I’ve been avoiding writing this. Maybe because I’m a little annoyed and I’m just not ready to completely come to terms with where I’m at, or maybe I just want to ignore this whole part of the learning process all together. Likely a combination of both. Either way, here I am. Practicing obedience. A little begrudgingly but nonetheless here.

The fact of the matter is that God has placed this message on my heart for a while now. He has poked and prodded me to see it, to acknowledge it, to accept it, to write it, and to share with others. I’m just having a hard time letting go of the ‘old me’. I have described to some close friends and even my therapist that I feel like I’m caught in this place in between who I was and who I’m going to be. Kinda like pergatory hell. Sounds a bit dramatic but those who have been through this journey will get it. Cancer literally strips you down to the bare bones. Body. Spirit. Flesh. You are no longer who you once were. You don’t look like her. You don’t feel like her. You don’t think like her. I talk about this a little bit in my blog post’ Sitting in in the Yuck’ when I was fresh off of my mastectomy surgery which you can read HERE.

When the stripping down takes place, you try desperately hard to hold on to what you know. Who you were. But it just doesn’t feel right. The clothes don’t look the same. The hair products and tools no longer apply (ahem.. I have not used a hair dryer in months!!). You can’t sleep the same way. You can’t exercise or run how you used to. Your body just doesn’t do what it used to be able to do.

Not only that, but new problems can pop up too! The treatment you go through does a number on the rest of your body, even your teeth!! Did you know that due to the side effects of chemo and dry mouth, your teeth builds up bacteria and decay more easily? OR that the side effects of the steroids you have to take with the chemo actually causes you to GAIN weight and not lose it? OR that the hormone treatments and pills you have to take induce menopause ensuing hot flashes and more weight gain?

Can I just say that bringing this all the surface makes me feel like a whiny little baby? I mean - my prognosis is GOOD! The cancer is GONE and God willing, it will not come back. I should be happy I have LIFE. And I am. I truly am. When I look into the eyes of my loved ones around me, I thank God that I am here and able to maintain a happy life with them and I am THANKFUL.

Yet that doesn’t make any of my other feelings untrue.

My therapist asked me in our last session what the purpose of being in this middle place was. This place I call purgatory, what is it doing for me? Why does it matter? Why is this an important step in my journey?

Because it’s breaking down belief patterns of my life that no longer serve me.

I am not my body. I am not my hair. I am not a number on the scale or the size of my jeans. I do not have to be skinny, or smart, or funny. Not everyone has to like me. I don’t always have to do or say the right thing. I don’t have to put so much pressure on myself to keep up the appearances.

The stripping down process? Yeah - it sucks but it’s also FREEING!

The fact of the matter is that I am NOT any of those things. I never was. I just believed I was or I believed I needed to be in order to receive LOVE. And that is a lie from the pit of hell.

The fact of the matter is that I am a strong, smart, confidant woman REGARDLESS of any of those outer things - yet just because of who I AM. Who God created me to be. HE is the rock and foundation on which I rebuild my new belief system.

Not to say that I won’t falter and slide backwards into old belief patterns - it’s a bit of a daily battle. Yet, I CHOOSE not to give way, but to keep my eyes locked on Him.

And that is where I’m at today. Letting go of what lies behind, committed to finding the joy in where I am today, and expectantly looking forward to what lies ahead.

'Charm is misleading and beauty is vain and so quickly fades, but this virtuous woman lives in the wonder, awe and fear of the Lord. She will be praised throughout eternity.’ (Proverbs 31:30)

Sitting in the yuck...

You know that moment when you look around and think to yourself, ‘Is this really happening? Is this real life or am I dreaming?’ That was me just a couple of days ago as I waited in the pre-op area at Brigham & Women’s hospital in Boston while they herded me and a half dozen or so other people into this large pre/post op room to prepare us for the first round of surgeries for the day. It was a surreal moment where it felt like everything that had happened, everything I’ve gone through up to this point, has all been a dream. Have you ever felt that way?

Nobody ever expects to hear the word ‘cancer’ despite being as prevalent as it is. I know I certainly didn’t. Yet, here I was - watching a slew of doctors and nurses buzzing about making sure that everything was prepped and ready for surgery. Such a surreal moment at a surreal time in my life where honestly it feels like it’s all happening outside of me, yet I understand and accept God’s plan for me through this experience - all at the same time. A paradox of sorts.

Today I sit somewhat comfortably at home, now on the other side of surgery and am happy to say that things went as well as they could have. While the final pathology report has yet to be released, the surgeon did indicate that my lymph nodes look free & clear! This was great news! The final report will show whether or not there were any remaining residual cancer cells in the tumors they removed and whether or not any further treatment is needed. We are not entirely out of the woods yet but we are close!

This surgery was the first of two. I will need another surgery to reconstruct my left breast using my own tissue from my belly. Timing of the second surgery is predicated on the final pathology report and whether or not radiation is needed - so we wait. I’m coming to know this pattern really well. One step forward, then a pause. A long pause. It is teaching me patience and endurance at a level that I never realized I needed.

‘But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ (Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT)

Through this whole experience so far, there are a few days where I have felt like the old me. Where I remember the feisty, impatient, independent, strong me that was bound & determined, yet most days, I feel like a different person. A person who I don’t quite know yet. Someone who looks a bit foreign yet still feels like home. Someone I am learning how to get to know yet feels like I have known forever. This is all a process. One that I’m still in the thick of and while I never would have chosen this for myself, I am standing with my feet firmly planted in my faith, believing that the good will come.

I’ll be honest though friend, it’s rocky right now. Most moments I am on the verge of tears. Physically I am feeling a little better each day. Emotionally - well, as strong as I know that I am, I am also human and there is only so much a gal can take. You know all of this is coming. The hair loss. The disfigurement. The loss of eyebrows & eye lashes. It all comes with the territory. Textbook breast cancer. But what you can’t find in text books and what none of the articles or research can outline for you is how you will feel about it and how it will effect you.

It sucks, y’all - plain and simple.

I am doing the best that I can to FEEL my emotions. I will NOT stuff them down or over spiritualize them. I also will not act fine when I’m hurting. I will not ‘pull myself up by the bootstraps’ and will my way through it. At the very beginning of this experience I asked God to change me through this. I asked God to enable my very being to be forever changed. To immerse from the dark clouds a new person. I know that in order to do that, I have to FEEL. I have to sit in the YUCK and enable Him to use those moments for my good. To use those moments to transform me. To change me from the inside out. The outside is changing no matter what. That comes with the deal, but I have vowed to change my insides too - and I want that to be for the BETTER.

And so - here I sit. In the YUCK of my itchy balding head, my hairless face, my disfigured and pain filled chest with drains oozing from my body. Feeling all the Feels. Gutted. Emotional. Messy. yet also HOPEFUL. EXPECTANT. KNOWING that on the other side of this, a new me awaits. Stronger. More convicted. Unwavering and Free. And I’m ready for her.

Beauty Trumps Pretty Hands Down

My heart sank as I walked by the mirror. Up until that moment, I had forgotten I didn’t have any hair. I had been going about my day, doing what I do. Working. Creating. Editing. Sharing ideas. Knocking things off my To Do List. I felt good physically and had good energy. It was a GOOD day! Then …. I had my moment in the mirror. I immediately lost my joy. The fact that I had cancer came rushhhhhing back into my thoughts and my being. BLECH.

Have you ever been there, friend?

Have you gone about your day, feeling good and feeling joyful, and then you walk by the mirror and BAM - your energy and joy is immediately sucked out of your body?

I know. ME TOO. Even without cancer.

We are so critical and so OVERLY aware of our bodies. We place SO much value on what is happening on the outside that it can be all consuming. It immediately dismisses or erases every single thing we have done, who we have served, who we ARE. Don’t you hate that? When our whole disposition goes down the tubes because we’ve don’t like our thighs, or we’ve put on a little weight, or our jeans don’t fit, or we feel like we look like a freak without hair. You get the picture.

Why do we do that to ourselves, friend? WHAT IS OUR DEAL?

Here is what I know for sure, friend. We have been led astray. The pressures of this world to be and look a certain way as crept into our BEING. Maybe it was from a comment someone made to you back in 9th grade about ‘looking like a pig’ or maybe it was the way the other girls looked at you when you changed for gym class. Or maybe it was the nickname of thunder thighs that your Dad (love you Dad!) gave you. Perhaps it’s the way you ‘think’ your husband avoids caressing or holding onto your ‘fluffy’ areas when you are intimate or the look he gives you when you grab a bowl of ice cream before bed.

Then add in the images we see all over social media, TV and print ads that over glamorizes what healthy and beautiful looks like. The way our feeds have been overcome with botox injections, fake bushy eyebrows (what the heck is with that trend?) or have you seen the ads for the exercise equipment where the girl is running full speed UP HILL with perfect posture, a smile on her face and then dances when it’s done???? COME ON!! Don’t even get me started with this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.

We take all of these images of what society tells us beautiful looks like and take that on as an expectation - a bar set that we can NEVER reach! Because of that expectation, we look for evidence constantly of where we don’t measure up. How we feel like our husbands are not attracted to us anymore because of how we look and we immediately create scenarios of how we see that to be true. The hand placement. The look he gives. THEN WE GET MAD AT HIM. Lord, have mercy.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Here is what I’m learning, friend - NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE REAL.

The image of perfect body? NOT REAL (as much as I commend J Lo - this is NOT the standard)

A perfectly shaped brow? NOT REAL

Running Uphill is easy and enjoyable? DEFINITELY NOT REAL

We, as women, are made perfectly in HIS image. He created us to be living, breathing beings in a body that is intended to help us fulfill the purpose He gave us. The body itself is not to be praised. What is to be praised is the real reason we are here - to fulfill His purpose on our life and to glorify HIM. To radiate His love from the inside out.

End of story.

Let’s stop getting it wrong, shall we?

Not to say that having a healthy body is not critical - it is! Our body needs to be working WITH us and not against us, so it’s important that we take care of it. Nurture it. Treat it like the beautiful vessel that it is to help us fulfill our purpose.

But our bodies are not the point.

Perfect eyebrows are not the point.

Thin thighs and six pack abs are not the point.

Being able to run on mission for the glory of God is the point!

Friend - when we put Jesus first in our lives, we learn how to slowly turn the tide of what we view important and critical. I won’t lie and say that I don’t struggle with the idea of being PRETTY by the world’s standards. I still cringe at the size of my thighs and struggle with my baldness. BUT I’m learning how to fill my heart with more truths about what true beauty is all about.

The condition of my heart.

The love I give to others.

The calling on my life that I’m fulfilling.

It is more important to me that the imprint I leave on this lifetime has more to do with the love of Jesus that radiates from my heart, then being another pretty face.

THAT to me is way more beautiful. Wouldn’t ya say? Who is IN with me?

xoxo

Tammy

The Time I Lost my Shit and My Hair Too...

Well, it finally happened. I lost it. Screamed at the top of my lungs kind of lost it. Just to be clear - not like 2007 Britney. Yes, I did shave my head, but that was a very deliberate, me in full control of my emotions kind of thing. But more on that later…

In general, I’m the type of person who just ‘handles’ things. I keep it together - not because I feel like I have to - but honestly just because I’m hard wired that way. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I’m an enneagram 3 which basically means I get shit done. We are called ‘the Achievers’. We do stuff and then we do more, often times at the sacrifice of ourselves. We can also be very out of touch with our feelings - meaning we push them down and push them down again throughout our life to the point where we aren’t consciously aware of how we are feeling, nevermind try to articulate it. On the outside (and in our consciousness) we are just going with the flow. We adapt to what’s happening and ‘look’ like we have it all together. But friend - we DON’T. Not even close. Because everyone reaches their breaking point. Even us 3’s. Eventually, after we stuff and stuff things down some more, we reach our tipping point and usually it’s something VERY simple that set’s us off and then we IMPLODE.

It doesn’t happen often but when it does…watch out!!! It ain’t pretty.

That is exactly what happened Saturday morning. Momma lost her S.H.I.T. Scream at the top of her lungs kind of thing.

But before I go there, let me first paint the backdrop.

It had been a week. It has been for all of us. This little thing known as the ‘pandemic’ - you know the one - the one that has us all confined to our homes! I’ll be honest - my life hasn’t really changed much since the ‘stay at home’ order as I already work remotely, my immune systems is already weakened so I’ve been limiting where I go and had been careful about being around anyone who is sick or coughing anyway - but at least I had the OPTION. I could go out and about, as long as I’m careful. Not anymore. BLECH. I hate being tied down. I despise people telling me what to do. It makes me want to do the opposite. Anyway - you get the picture. We are all in this same scenario. That alone has people going bat shit crazy (seriously - what’s up with the TP everyone??).

Okay, and THEN this hair thing. Okay, I get it - everyone knows that when you go through chemo, you lose your hair. It’s a known thing. You know it’s coming. You try and prepare emotionally, mentally. You even cut your hair shorter to help ease the blow. But when every freaking day, more and more hair just falls out - it’s like death by a thousand paper cuts. Just stop the freaking madness already. And it’s not just a strand here and a strand there. It’s a whole sink full of hair every morning when you comb through it - and even MORE when you wash it. Hair in the drain. Hair on the walls. Hair in your towel. Hair on your pillow case. Hair on your shirt. Hair in your food. Every day you wonder….is today going to be the day when I have to shave it all off because…..what’s the POINT?!

THEN on the morning where I’m mentally preparing myself for my weekly wash (knowing the havoc that will be on the shower walls & floors), I get a call from my Dad that someone near and dear to me in our family has passed away.

Wait, WHAT?!

Seriously, God? At this point, I just go NUMB. I’m in survival mode. I can’t even cry. I just FROZE.

Y’all - any one of those things alone is ENOUGH. Like - give me a second to just breathe, Lord. Really. I need to find my footing and process through all of of this.

That was on a Friday.

In hindsight, I can see the signs of how the stress and anxiety was building. I tried sharing how I was feeling with a few close friends. It helped. It helped to get it out, but it was just the tip of the iceberg. Again - I am so often not in touch with how deeply I am feeling something until the lid blows off the top.

And it’s typically a VERY small thing that makes it blow, is'n’t it? Like that one little thing that just pushes you over the edge and that poor little unsuspecting person or thing becomes the impetus. The tipping point.

On Saturday morning, it was Stella. Stella the bulldog.

For some strange reason, Stella too was having a bit of a week. She had become VERY territorial with Sully (the unsuspecting male bulldog) and was displaying dominance. Maybe she was channeling me, or maybe she was hormonal, I’m not sure but Stella would not leave Sully alone and just kept picking fights with him. She picked a fight on Saturday morning, it escalated, which made ME escalate, and before I knew it - I was screaming at the top of my lungs while unloading the dishwasher:

STELLAAAAA, SHUT UPPPPPP!!!!!

The top blew off and I have no idea where it went. It is a bit of a blur. Screaming. Dishes flying (JK - I didn’t throw anything but just added that for affect). It only lasted a few seconds. I surprised myself with the intensity of my scream. I think I scared the fam too who all came running to help unload the dishwasher (is that all it takes?? ;-)).

But you know what - it felt SO GOOD to get it out. Bat shit crazy just feels GOOD sometimes.

I am not saying this is the best way to handle things. It’s not even a good way to handle things. Yet - it’s REAL. It happened. I didn’t apologize. I laughed about it after when telling my daughter the story. But it was real and it needed to happen.

THEN - later in the week, I was faced with the decision about what to do with my hair. Yes - cancer is the gift that just keeps on giving. I knew the moment was coming. I honestly didn’t want to face another hair washing. I knew I had to face the inevitable but I wanted to do it in a way that I had control over. In a way that enabled me to honor MY feelings. I wanted to have the power to choose vs. feel like a victim of my circumstances. After praying that morning, I took my tools into the bathroom, locked the door, looked into the mirror and knew the timing was right.

Don’t get me wrong, I was scared shitless - but knew that I would feel powerful and free on the other side! So I didn’t think any more about it. I just started. I took a few pictures along the way to document the experience, yet with each swipe, I felt lighter. I felt more raw. More real. More vulnerable but in such a powerful way.

When I was done, I sat in front of the mirror in my bedroom and just took it all in.

I thought about how much this disease has robbed me of. My body. My health. My energy. My hair. That it may seem like nothing is left - but that is a LIE. What is left is ME. The real me. Without all the dressing on the outside. Without any of the things that would typically distract us. The things that seem like they are important, but really aren’t.

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I didn’t have to go through this? Or learn these lessons this way? Abso-freaking-lutely.

But as I have said before, I don’t believe God gave me this situation, but I KNOW He is using it to show me the REAL me. The strong, powerful, beautiful me - not because of what I’m able to do or how I look, but because of who I AM.

I’ll be honest, I’m still finding my new normal. I’d be lying if I said I feel powerful and FREE every moment I look in the mirror. I don’t. I feel somewhat like a cross between Susan Powter, Sinead O’Connor and Moe from the Three Stooges - but I’m learning how to rewrite the scripts. One day, one look in the mirror at a time.

Lastly, I just also want to take the opportunity to say that there is so much that is going on with each of us beneath the surface. Not just me and cancer - but with all of us. This time we are living in is testing us all. Just because people may ‘look’ like they are handling things - don’t miss REALLY seeing people. Sometimes we see only what we want to see. It’s hard to see others suffering. We want to fix it. We want to make them feel better. Resist the urge to do that! Let’s just allow people to FEEL what they are feeling - even if it’s messy. Even if we don’t know how to handle it. Even if we don’t know what to say.

xoxo

Well...here goes

Okay friends - it’s about to get real. I pondered and prayed about whether or not to share this. Generally - I am a private person. I mean yeah - I post on social media and do all the things - yet mainly it’s biz related stuff and I tend to keep the personal things pretty private. I have my select circles that are precious to me BUT God has been after my heart to share this more broadly and I’ll be honest - it scares the bejesus out of me. Yet, in beautiful God-like fashion He has strategically placed wise women around me who have gently and lovingly reminded me that #1) when we share our vulnerabilities with others, it brings things out of the darkness and into the LIGHT which is where the LOVE is and #2) it allows others to be a blessing to you which is a joyous blessing to THEM. So who be it for me to rob someone else of a blessing?!

So here goes… I have cancer.

Yup. Breast Cancer.

…Sigh…

I know. Suck news. Believe me - this one through me for a LOOP. I mean - not that anyone expects cancer - yet I’m a healthy 50 year old who just ran her 6th marathon for goodness sake. I take good care of myself. Yeah - I can burn the candle from both ends from time to time but nothing on THIS level. I

I will never forget that morning as I left my mammogram and ultrasound appointment. The radiologist had just shared what they found - several masses within my left breast that resembled breast cancer - and I was numb. I didn’t hear much at all after that. I went out to my car and called Chris in tears. I was still numb. Like - WTF numb. What the WHAT?! Obviously he was floored too. We both just froze. That was on December 30th. Well - 2019, that is a helluva goodbye.

The week that followed that was EXCRUTIATING. We only told a couple people (just in case - although I knew…) including our older two kids. We wanted them to begin to wrap their head around the idea and prepare themselves. We didn’t tell our youngest though. We wanted more facts before we did. Limbo land is one of my LEAST favorite places (type A control freak right here) yet if I’ve learned nothing else so far, I have learned what little control I truly have. SURRENDER has become my new favorite word. Not the ‘I give up’ type of surrender; but the kind of surrender that says ‘God - I trust you completely. I know you are a good good father and I have full and completely faith in what you have for me in this journey.’ It’s a work in progress - I struggle with this every day. Yet every day I can either choose to fight it and resist or surrender and trust God is working it all out for my good. Not every day (or moment) do I choose this, but as I said - I am a work in progress.

So at the time of this blog, here is what I know about my diagnosis:

• I have several masses in my left breast that together measure 10cm according to my pathology report

• They have officially diagnosed me with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma

• I am hormone positive (ER/PR) and am considered ‘low grade’ meaning it’s a slow growing cancer (yay!)

• I was initially diagnosed as HER2+ (meaning there are proteins in my cancer cells that cause them to spread faster throughout my body - BOO!) BUT I have since gone for a second opinion at Dana Farber and they questioned this and are rerunning tests on my tissue cells)

• So far, my right breast AND lymph nodes look clear - although they still want to sample my nodes and test them microscopically. At that point, they will then stage me

• I am awaiting the results of my genetic testing to see if I carry the BRCA gene as well as any indication of other cancers that may show up genetically

• I will need a mastectomy yet we are waiting the results of the HER2 testing to see what treatment route we will be taking before and after surgery.

Soooo - I realize that was a LOT of heady information. TBH I have been spending a LOT of time in the head space. SO much information to learn in such a short amount of time that it is SO overwhelming. It’s one thing to try and absorb it all but it’s another to have to use that information to then quickly make decisions that affect your LIFE. It’s overwhelming. At one point as I was researching different options about reconstruction (seriously - you have to decide what you want your new BOOBs to look like!! For the love of God!!) and I threw up my hands to God and cried out. ‘It’s just too much, Lord. It’s too much. I cannot handle this.’ and friends, He took over. I am NOT supposed to have to handle this all. I’ve been ‘handling’ it all my entire life. I can’t ‘handle’ this and you know what? It’s a BEAUTIFUL thing! I don’t believe that God creates these situations. He didn’t choose to give me cancer. We live in a fallen world. That’s a fact. Yet I do believe that God USES situations like this for His glory. I have seen it at work already. My relationship with my husband, my family, my friends, what I hold dear. Serious illness makes you get your priority in order REAL quick!

I haven’t been angry yet. I know that i will, though. The WEIRDEST thing is that physically is feel FINE. I look like ME. Yet to know what is growing inside of me - I just want it OUT. I just want to get on with things, ya know? I originally was scheduled for surgery yesterday. Friday, January 31st. That was THE day and I was ready. I wanted it even sooner BUT God knew. He knew that I would get into Dana Farber for a 2nd opinion. He knew that they wouldn’t agree. And He knew that my surgery would be pushed back. THAT I was angry about. I’ll be honest. WTF - another holding pattern? UGH. Yet - of course, I don’t just want ‘A’ plan. I want the ‘RIGHT’ plan. Again - another reminder that I am not in charge here.

I KNOW and TRUST God that I will be healthy and strong on the other side of this. I know that with all my heart. I know the road will be a rough one. I know it will challenge me and challenge my faith. There will be beautiful moments and there will be raw and real moments. I have had some already. It is my intent to truly FEEL and experience every moment of this journey as best I can. The good, the bad and the ugly. You can’t get beauty without the ashes. I intend to share both because this is real life and real life isn’t always glamorous. It’s not always neat and clean. It’s pretty damn messy actually. But it’s when we embrace the mess and be present IN IT, that truly makes us who we are.

I’ll be sharing my journey along the way with you. I’ve decided on an integrative treatment approach so will be working with conventional medicine physicians to treat my cancer, yet also with a naturopathic oncologist to support my whole body and well being. Sometimes those two things are in conflict with one another so this should be a fun ride ;-) Stay tuned.

In style & grace,

Tammy