Sitting in the yuck...

You know that moment when you look around and think to yourself, ‘Is this really happening? Is this real life or am I dreaming?’ That was me just a couple of days ago as I waited in the pre-op area at Brigham & Women’s hospital in Boston while they herded me and a half dozen or so other people into this large pre/post op room to prepare us for the first round of surgeries for the day. It was a surreal moment where it felt like everything that had happened, everything I’ve gone through up to this point, has all been a dream. Have you ever felt that way?

Nobody ever expects to hear the word ‘cancer’ despite being as prevalent as it is. I know I certainly didn’t. Yet, here I was - watching a slew of doctors and nurses buzzing about making sure that everything was prepped and ready for surgery. Such a surreal moment at a surreal time in my life where honestly it feels like it’s all happening outside of me, yet I understand and accept God’s plan for me through this experience - all at the same time. A paradox of sorts.

Today I sit somewhat comfortably at home, now on the other side of surgery and am happy to say that things went as well as they could have. While the final pathology report has yet to be released, the surgeon did indicate that my lymph nodes look free & clear! This was great news! The final report will show whether or not there were any remaining residual cancer cells in the tumors they removed and whether or not any further treatment is needed. We are not entirely out of the woods yet but we are close!

This surgery was the first of two. I will need another surgery to reconstruct my left breast using my own tissue from my belly. Timing of the second surgery is predicated on the final pathology report and whether or not radiation is needed - so we wait. I’m coming to know this pattern really well. One step forward, then a pause. A long pause. It is teaching me patience and endurance at a level that I never realized I needed.

‘But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.’ (Isaiah 43:18-19 NLT)

Through this whole experience so far, there are a few days where I have felt like the old me. Where I remember the feisty, impatient, independent, strong me that was bound & determined, yet most days, I feel like a different person. A person who I don’t quite know yet. Someone who looks a bit foreign yet still feels like home. Someone I am learning how to get to know yet feels like I have known forever. This is all a process. One that I’m still in the thick of and while I never would have chosen this for myself, I am standing with my feet firmly planted in my faith, believing that the good will come.

I’ll be honest though friend, it’s rocky right now. Most moments I am on the verge of tears. Physically I am feeling a little better each day. Emotionally - well, as strong as I know that I am, I am also human and there is only so much a gal can take. You know all of this is coming. The hair loss. The disfigurement. The loss of eyebrows & eye lashes. It all comes with the territory. Textbook breast cancer. But what you can’t find in text books and what none of the articles or research can outline for you is how you will feel about it and how it will effect you.

It sucks, y’all - plain and simple.

I am doing the best that I can to FEEL my emotions. I will NOT stuff them down or over spiritualize them. I also will not act fine when I’m hurting. I will not ‘pull myself up by the bootstraps’ and will my way through it. At the very beginning of this experience I asked God to change me through this. I asked God to enable my very being to be forever changed. To immerse from the dark clouds a new person. I know that in order to do that, I have to FEEL. I have to sit in the YUCK and enable Him to use those moments for my good. To use those moments to transform me. To change me from the inside out. The outside is changing no matter what. That comes with the deal, but I have vowed to change my insides too - and I want that to be for the BETTER.

And so - here I sit. In the YUCK of my itchy balding head, my hairless face, my disfigured and pain filled chest with drains oozing from my body. Feeling all the Feels. Gutted. Emotional. Messy. yet also HOPEFUL. EXPECTANT. KNOWING that on the other side of this, a new me awaits. Stronger. More convicted. Unwavering and Free. And I’m ready for her.