Redefining Beauty through Cancer...
I’ve been avoiding writing this. Maybe because I’m a little annoyed and I’m just not ready to completely come to terms with where I’m at, or maybe I just want to ignore this whole part of the learning process all together. Likely a combination of both. Either way, here I am. Practicing obedience. A little begrudgingly but nonetheless here.
The fact of the matter is that God has placed this message on my heart for a while now. He has poked and prodded me to see it, to acknowledge it, to accept it, to write it, and to share with others. I’m just having a hard time letting go of the ‘old me’. I have described to some close friends and even my therapist that I feel like I’m caught in this place in between who I was and who I’m going to be. Kinda like pergatory hell. Sounds a bit dramatic but those who have been through this journey will get it. Cancer literally strips you down to the bare bones. Body. Spirit. Flesh. You are no longer who you once were. You don’t look like her. You don’t feel like her. You don’t think like her. I talk about this a little bit in my blog post’ Sitting in in the Yuck’ when I was fresh off of my mastectomy surgery which you can read HERE.
When the stripping down takes place, you try desperately hard to hold on to what you know. Who you were. But it just doesn’t feel right. The clothes don’t look the same. The hair products and tools no longer apply (ahem.. I have not used a hair dryer in months!!). You can’t sleep the same way. You can’t exercise or run how you used to. Your body just doesn’t do what it used to be able to do.
Not only that, but new problems can pop up too! The treatment you go through does a number on the rest of your body, even your teeth!! Did you know that due to the side effects of chemo and dry mouth, your teeth builds up bacteria and decay more easily? OR that the side effects of the steroids you have to take with the chemo actually causes you to GAIN weight and not lose it? OR that the hormone treatments and pills you have to take induce menopause ensuing hot flashes and more weight gain?
Can I just say that bringing this all the surface makes me feel like a whiny little baby? I mean - my prognosis is GOOD! The cancer is GONE and God willing, it will not come back. I should be happy I have LIFE. And I am. I truly am. When I look into the eyes of my loved ones around me, I thank God that I am here and able to maintain a happy life with them and I am THANKFUL.
Yet that doesn’t make any of my other feelings untrue.
My therapist asked me in our last session what the purpose of being in this middle place was. This place I call purgatory, what is it doing for me? Why does it matter? Why is this an important step in my journey?
Because it’s breaking down belief patterns of my life that no longer serve me.
I am not my body. I am not my hair. I am not a number on the scale or the size of my jeans. I do not have to be skinny, or smart, or funny. Not everyone has to like me. I don’t always have to do or say the right thing. I don’t have to put so much pressure on myself to keep up the appearances.
The stripping down process? Yeah - it sucks but it’s also FREEING!
The fact of the matter is that I am NOT any of those things. I never was. I just believed I was or I believed I needed to be in order to receive LOVE. And that is a lie from the pit of hell.
The fact of the matter is that I am a strong, smart, confidant woman REGARDLESS of any of those outer things - yet just because of who I AM. Who God created me to be. HE is the rock and foundation on which I rebuild my new belief system.
Not to say that I won’t falter and slide backwards into old belief patterns - it’s a bit of a daily battle. Yet, I CHOOSE not to give way, but to keep my eyes locked on Him.
And that is where I’m at today. Letting go of what lies behind, committed to finding the joy in where I am today, and expectantly looking forward to what lies ahead.