A New Perspective

I honestly cannot believe it’s been over 4 years since my diagnosis. I remember a time when I could NOT WAIT to put all the cancer stuff behind me and now here we are. I sometimes forget that has been my journey! I look back on pictures and the time hops that pop up as I was going through my treatment. It was such a crazy time back then! Cancer. COVID. Goodness - we all just want to forget all that craziness, don’t we? Yet at the same time - it’s impacted us in such a big way.

I have been doing a LOT of reflecting on this lately. How time passes. Memories fade. Our hair grows back. Our environment and surroundings may even change — a new job, maybe. A new home. A newly empty nest. We are so quick to think that life will somehow be better when circumstances change. If my hair grows back. If I lose those 20 lbs. If I get that new job. But the reality is those circumstances do not change us. What is outside of us will not change us. Do they influence who we are? Absolutely. Yet WE are the constant. Whatever is WITHIN us is what we carry from circumstance to circumstance. From job to job. From relationship to relationship. If we don’t focus on the change within, what is outside of us is really irrelevant.

This has honestly been the biggest lesson of cancer for me. Whether it’s cancer, or the loss of a loved one, or a significant change in a close relationship — if we don’t take the time to truly HEAL from the inside out, we missing out on the growth from the experience.

My typical M.O. my entire life was to hunker down and power through. Push toward the goal. Work harder than anyone else. Just. Keep. Going. And that worked for me for a LONG time. Until it didn’t. Until my body took over and told me NO. And cancer was that wake up call. But I’ll be honest - it has been a slowwwww process and one I still have to work at every single day.

I’m learning to reprogram how I think. How I move. How I respond. And that is HARD y’all. For this action oriented gal, my first reaction has always been to raise my hand. To say Yes. To sign up for all the things. I’m learning how to slow down. How to pause and check in with myself. How to put the brakes on when needed. How to live and be present in my body and spirit. How to FEEL the feelings. How to sit in the discomfort. How to hold back my agreement. How to care more about being authentic and true to myself, vs. jump to make the other person feel OK. How to learn boundaries. Relearning what truly brings me JOY. How to let go of the things that I love, but that no longer serve me.

‘how to let go of the things that I love, but that no longer serve me’

I’ll be honest - I’m still mourning the loss of some things. I still struggle and get the urge to sign up for a race. I miss running with my heart and soul. I’m actually crying as I write this!! It’s so hard y’all. I miss it so much. BUT I know that this is the path to being healthy from the inside out. And there are other things that honestly, I know I need to let go of, but I’m not ready (ahem - coffee & beer) . And that is OK. I’m taking my time. I’m not a robot after all!! LOL

I share all this because often times we feel the pressure to be ‘back to normal’ on the other side of trauma. I know I just wanted to feel like MYSELF again. But the reality is — I’m NOT the same person. I’m not quite who I used to be but I’m not quite who I’m on the journey to becoming yet. Isn’t that so true of everyone? We look at others and think, ‘Wow - they have it all together. I wish I could look/feel half as put together as she does.’ But man - that is such faulty thinking for 2 reasons: (1) you have NO idea what is going on in her life. She could be going through a divorce. Struggling with a special needs child. Exhausted as hell from taking care of an aging parent. Whatever. You have NO idea what is going on beneath the surface. And (2) Appearing ‘Put Together’ is over rated!! Let’s just f-n stop with this insanity of feeling like you have to have your shit together and just LIVE our messy damn lives. Messy is real. Messy is refreshing. Messy is HONEST.

So 4 years later….here I am with tears running down my face because I still haven’t gotten over not being able to run again. But I’m embracing the SUCK while I drink my coffee and cuddle with my bullies because I’m a work in progress y’all. And so are we ALL.