Well...here goes
Okay friends - it’s about to get real. I pondered and prayed about whether or not to share this. Generally - I am a private person. I mean yeah - I post on social media and do all the things - yet mainly it’s biz related stuff and I tend to keep the personal things pretty private. I have my select circles that are precious to me BUT God has been after my heart to share this more broadly and I’ll be honest - it scares the bejesus out of me. Yet, in beautiful God-like fashion He has strategically placed wise women around me who have gently and lovingly reminded me that #1) when we share our vulnerabilities with others, it brings things out of the darkness and into the LIGHT which is where the LOVE is and #2) it allows others to be a blessing to you which is a joyous blessing to THEM. So who be it for me to rob someone else of a blessing?!
So here goes… I have cancer.
Yup. Breast Cancer.
…Sigh…
I know. Suck news. Believe me - this one through me for a LOOP. I mean - not that anyone expects cancer - yet I’m a healthy 50 year old who just ran her 6th marathon for goodness sake. I take good care of myself. Yeah - I can burn the candle from both ends from time to time but nothing on THIS level. I
I will never forget that morning as I left my mammogram and ultrasound appointment. The radiologist had just shared what they found - several masses within my left breast that resembled breast cancer - and I was numb. I didn’t hear much at all after that. I went out to my car and called Chris in tears. I was still numb. Like - WTF numb. What the WHAT?! Obviously he was floored too. We both just froze. That was on December 30th. Well - 2019, that is a helluva goodbye.
The week that followed that was EXCRUTIATING. We only told a couple people (just in case - although I knew…) including our older two kids. We wanted them to begin to wrap their head around the idea and prepare themselves. We didn’t tell our youngest though. We wanted more facts before we did. Limbo land is one of my LEAST favorite places (type A control freak right here) yet if I’ve learned nothing else so far, I have learned what little control I truly have. SURRENDER has become my new favorite word. Not the ‘I give up’ type of surrender; but the kind of surrender that says ‘God - I trust you completely. I know you are a good good father and I have full and completely faith in what you have for me in this journey.’ It’s a work in progress - I struggle with this every day. Yet every day I can either choose to fight it and resist or surrender and trust God is working it all out for my good. Not every day (or moment) do I choose this, but as I said - I am a work in progress.
So at the time of this blog, here is what I know about my diagnosis:
I have several masses in my left breast that together measure 10cm according to my pathology report
They have officially diagnosed me with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
I am hormone positive (ER/PR) and am considered ‘low grade’ meaning it’s a slow growing cancer (yay!)
I was initially diagnosed as HER2+ (meaning there are proteins in my cancer cells that cause them to spread faster throughout my body - BOO!) BUT I have since gone for a second opinion at Dana Farber and they questioned this and are rerunning tests on my tissue cells)
So far, my right breast AND lymph nodes look clear - although they still want to sample my nodes and test them microscopically. At that point, they will then stage me
I am awaiting the results of my genetic testing to see if I carry the BRCA gene as well as any indication of other cancers that may show up genetically
I will need a mastectomy yet we are waiting the results of the HER2 testing to see what treatment route we will be taking before and after surgery.
Soooo - I realize that was a LOT of heady information. TBH I have been spending a LOT of time in the head space. SO much information to learn in such a short amount of time that it is SO overwhelming. It’s one thing to try and absorb it all but it’s another to have to use that information to then quickly make decisions that affect your LIFE. It’s overwhelming. At one point as I was researching different options about reconstruction (seriously - you have to decide what you want your new BOOBs to look like!! For the love of God!!) and I threw up my hands to God and cried out. ‘It’s just too much, Lord. It’s too much. I cannot handle this.’ and friends, He took over. I am NOT supposed to have to handle this all. I’ve been ‘handling’ it all my entire life. I can’t ‘handle’ this and you know what? It’s a BEAUTIFUL thing! I don’t believe that God creates these situations. He didn’t choose to give me cancer. We live in a fallen world. That’s a fact. Yet I do believe that God USES situations like this for His glory. I have seen it at work already. My relationship with my husband, my family, my friends, what I hold dear. Serious illness makes you get your priority in order REAL quick!
I haven’t been angry yet. I know that i will, though. The WEIRDEST thing is that physically is feel FINE. I look like ME. Yet to know what is growing inside of me - I just want it OUT. I just want to get on with things, ya know? I originally was scheduled for surgery yesterday. Friday, January 31st. That was THE day and I was ready. I wanted it even sooner BUT God knew. He knew that I would get into Dana Farber for a 2nd opinion. He knew that they wouldn’t agree. And He knew that my surgery would be pushed back. THAT I was angry about. I’ll be honest. WTF - another holding pattern? UGH. Yet - of course, I don’t just want ‘A’ plan. I want the ‘RIGHT’ plan. Again - another reminder that I am not in charge here.
I KNOW and TRUST God that I will be healthy and strong on the other side of this. I know that with all my heart. I know the road will be a rough one. I know it will challenge me and challenge my faith. There will be beautiful moments and there will be raw and real moments. I have had some already. It is my intent to truly FEEL and experience every moment of this journey as best I can. The good, the bad and the ugly. You can’t get beauty without the ashes. I intend to share both because this is real life and real life isn’t always glamorous. It’s not always neat and clean. It’s pretty damn messy actually. But it’s when we embrace the mess and be present IN IT, that truly makes us who we are.
I’ll be sharing my journey along the way with you. I’ve decided on an integrative treatment approach so will be working with conventional medicine physicians to treat my cancer, yet also with a naturopathic oncologist to support my whole body and well being. Sometimes those two things are in conflict with one another so this should be a fun ride ;-) Stay tuned.
In style & grace,