Standing in the GAP
I had arrived to the office a little early to make sure I was well prepared for the meeting. I reviewed the slides, walked through my approach. Yet something just felt off. As I sat there in the cafeteria waiting to be ‘called’ into the meeting, I felt so raw. I felt vulnerable. Exposed. Uneasy. Tears started to stream down my face as I closed my eyes and prayed.
Help me, Lord. I feel so vulnerable here, Lord. I know you have a plan for me. I know you have me. I know you are with me, Lord. Help me to keep my eyes focused on you.
For the past few years, I have known that my passion is no longer in my work in Corporate America. There was a time in my life when I felt so driven by this work. Where I was all about working hard, proving who I was and what I could do. A time when having the exposure to lead a meeting like this would excite me. An opportunity to shine in front of key ‘decision makers’ was huge. And today, I just felt empty. As I waited to be called in, I felt FAKE. I felt myself on edge as I waited for my ‘turn’. I called upon my bible study sisters to say a prayer for me. To cover me in His presence as I navigated through this meeting.
Praise God that He met me there. I knew He would. The meeting went fine and I got through it. Yet as it was happening, I felt like such an outsider. I was used to that feeling in Corporate. It is a very common situation where you have to prove your ‘worth’ before being accepted. In every situation, meeting, or presentation you are being evaluated. And so so many times before this, I have eaten it up. I CRAVED that approval. I NEEDED that acceptance in order to feel worthy. I NEEDED the meeting to go okay in order to BE okay. Yet this time, it felt different. I felt like I no longer fit. Like I no longer fit the mold. Now - don’t get me wrong, Corporate America in and of itself is not bad. There are many wonderful companies and many wonderful people, and I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who are honest and trustworthy. This change in me has nothing to do with them. I just know that for ME - this environment is no longer serving me. I no longer am driven by the need to perform which is GOOD NEWS yet performance and results is the very nature by which corporations exist!
As I drove home, I prayed and prayed for God to show me His vision. If this environment no longer served me, to help me to stay focused on HIM as I continue to walk out my path. Right now I’m stuck between two worlds. The reality of what IS and the vision is what is yet to come. Even though my current environment no longer serves me, I am not at a point where I am released from it yet. And so my prayer was for God to show me how to walk this out.
God pointed me to the story of Joseph in Genesis. There was so many twists and turns in Joseph’s life, despite God’s vision for him. He was beaten and sold to slavery by his brothers. He was wrongly accused of something and was jailed for years before finally stepping into his leadership role and saving Egypt from the famine that was coming. How despite the fact that God revealed to Joseph that he would lead a nation, the journey to get there was anything but easy and pleasant. How Joseph needed to endure. To persevere. To walk out his current reality. To keep his eyes on his Heavenly Father while he was standing in the gap of where he was in reality vs. the vision of where he knew God was leading him to.
While I haven’t been wrongly accused and I’m certainly not claiming that my current situation is like being in jail, to be in a situation that you KNOW no longer serves you, can feel like that sometimes. Yet God is calling me to trust him, while I stand in the gap. While he is preparing me and circumstances around me to enable the vision of what He has for me to fully come to life. That I just need to trust Him. In HIS timing, not mine, things will fall into place as they need to. In the meantime, my only job is to keep my eyes focused on Him. To do the things I need to do to prepare. To be obedient when He calls. To hang back and not try to do things in my own strength. To allow Him to work vs. force things to happen.
Friend - maybe you too are standing in the gap. Maybe He has given you a vision of what He is calling you to, yet your current reality is very different. Please know this - you are NOT alone. SO many before us have been there too, like Joseph. And if you too are going through this now like me, I am praying for you friend. I am praying that you stay rooted in Him. That you find peace in the waiting. That the vision of what is to come will sustain you during the ‘middle’. We are in this together, friend. If this is in fact you, I’d love to hear from you! I’d love for you to respond or send me an e-mail at tammy@mstammyhickey.com. We need to stick together and hold up each other’s arms during this time. To stay encouraged and stand firm in His promises. Are you in?
In Style & Grace,